Tales of a Short Teenager
by The Mirror Above the Sink
Summary: Just a bunch of drabbles/one-shots that I'll be writing for Edward Elric. They aren't connected (usually) and they won't all be the same genre. Hope you enjoy! Occasional Parental!RoyEd or Maternal!RizaEd. (T for cursing and maybe-possibly gore.)
1. The Troubles of Taco Bell

"May I help you?" Ed said politely with a forced smile. The stupid Taco Bell hat he had on his head kept slipping over his eyes, and he had to stand on his tiptoes just to see over the counter.

"Wait a minute. I want someone else to take my order," the thin, bespectacled man in front of the counter said. "I don't want to have a kid putting his grubby little hands on my taco." Ed kept the smile, though his eye twitched.

"I happen to be sixteen years old, sir. Now I suggest you place your order quick. We get busy around this time," he advised patiently. The man pushed his glasses up on his nose and gave Ed a disdainful glare.

"I will not have my order taken by a child," he said again. The smile Ed was wearing wavered.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm the only one on duty right now," he apologized, an edge to his voice. "Now please place your order." The man scowled.

"No thank you, short stack," he scoffed, turning away and starting to walk away. Ed's eye twitched again.

"Hope you get run over by a semi," he growled under his breath.

* * *

"May I take your order?" Ed said, giving a strained smile to the woman standing at the counter. She blinked.

"What's a little boy like you working here for?" she questioned innocently. Ed used all his willpower to not scowl right then and there.

"I'm sixteen, miss. Now may I take your order?" The lady stared at him hard.

"Sorry, darling, but you don't look sixteen," she said. Ed felt his hand twitch, just itching to punch something.

"I assure you that I am sixteen. Now, may I take your order?"

* * *

"Where's all the workers?" a burly, gruff man wondered aloud. Ed waved from behind the counter, and the man's eyes landed on him.

"I'm the only one on duty right now," he explained. "Can I help you?"

"What's a baby like you doin' working here?" the man asked bluntly. And ifnally, Ed had enough.

"TO HELL WITH THIS!" he suddenly shouted, climbing on top of the counter and pointing at the man. "I'M SIXTEEN, GODDAMNIT!" He kicked the little straw dispenser, shattering it to pieces and scattering straws everywhere. The bodybuilder backed away from the counter, eyes wide, and fled. Ed continued his rampage in the restaurant, throwing taco mush everywhere and filling the soda machines with ketchup and mustard.

To this day, little bits of tacos are still found in strange places. And when you try to get some Sprite, there is always just a hint of ketchup in the drink.

* * *

 _ **...**_

 _ **I... I don't even know... My mom was just complaining about how the only people working in Taco Bell these days were clueless, idiotic teenagers, and this just popped into my mind...**_

 _ **Not to mention the fact that I found half of a taco shell stuck to a piece of gum on the bottom of a table...**_


	2. The Failed Kidnapping of Edward Elric

"I didn't forget anything, did I?" Ed said to himself, arms full of grocery bags and earbuds firmly embedded in his ears. Black Veil Brides was blaring in his ears, blocking out reality, and his phone was safely tucked into his pocket. He fumbled around for a bit, trying to bring his hand up in front of his face to get a glimpse of the shopping list Winry had given him. He didn't even notice the man sneaking up behind him.

"I gotcha!" the man shouted triumphantly, reaching out and trying to wrap his arm around Ed's neck. But Ed unexpectedly swerved to the side, making the man fall onto his face. Ed swayed back up straight trying to balance a bag on his arm.

"Fucking Winry, stalling for so long... I can barely even carry these!" Ed muttered to himself, unknowingly stepping on his attacker's face as he started away. The man on the ground scrambled up, face red with rage. He ran after Ed, screaming insults, and tried to punch the boy on the back of his head. But Ed ducked suddenly, reaching for the small list that he had accidentally dropped. The assailant tripped over the boy, once again landing on his red face. Ed glanced over at him.

"Oh, sorry," he said simply, turning and continuing his walk. Once again, the man pulled himself to his feet, this time pulling out a gun.

"You little brat!" he shrieked, aiming at Ed's back. He pulled the trigger, but Ed suddenly jerked to the side, pulled by some random passerby that recognized him as the Fullmetal Alchemist. The bullet harmlessly embedded itself in a brick wall. The man cursed loudly, gaining some strange looks as he put the gun back in his pants. He chased after Ed, who had managed to free himself from the strange fan, and tried to grab the young Alchemist's arm. But Ed shifted the bags in his hand, moving his arm out of the way just in time, causing the man to fall onto his side on the ground. Ed didn't even notice as he walked away, humming along to _Heart of Fire_. The man on the ground didn't bother to get up anymore, watching Ed leave with a strange helplessness in his eyes.

"I give up," he wailed, crawling in the opposite direction Ed went.

* * *

The next day, Ed picked up the newspaper Al had left on the table. He nibbled absently on a bagel as he read the front page.

 **'YOUNG BOY EXPERTLY AVOIDS PROFESSIONAL KILLER'**

He blinked, looking down at the picture. He saw his own face and figure, ducking under some weird man's fist as he reached for his shopping list. The bagel fell, forgotten, to the floor as he read through the article.

"Holy shit..." he breathed. "Either I'm really lucky... or I'm secretly a ninja."

* * *

 _ **I got this idea when reading 'The 36 Kidnappings of Edward Elric', by Victorious-Mind. I suggest it! It's hilarious!**_

 _ **And I do not own Black Veil Brides or Heart of Fire! Sadly! ;A;**_


	3. Magnetic

As soon as Ed walked through that door, he knew he was making a mistake. He felt the back of his neck prickle, and he had a foreboding feeling in his gut, but he pressed forward anyways.

 _Strike one._

Hughes was walking past the door as Ed walked in, and he gave a single glance at Ed before bursting into snickers and continuing on his way. Ed was confused, but didn't ask Hughes about it.

 _Strike two._

He walked straight to Roy's office, trying his best to ignore the strange glances and occasional giggles. He felt his eye twitch when he heard a few whispers, and he caught his name in the mix. But he still didn't stop and barged into Roy's office, kicking the door open loudly.

 _Strike three. Boom, you're out._

He was yanked to the side by an unseen force, his automail arm crashing into the wall and sticking there.

"What the-!" He tried to pry his arm off the wall, but some weird force was pinning his arm there, not allowing him to move. Mustang was sitting at his desk, looking amused with his hands folded in front of his face. "What the Hell is happening?" Ed shouted, planting his feet on the wall and continuing to struggle. Roy simply shrugged. Suddenly, his arm slid up on the wall, making him yelp in shock and slamming his cheek on the wall painfully. Even Roy winced at the resulting 'thud'. But while Ed's face was pressed against the wall, he caught soft voices on the other side. _Something about a **magnet**..._

"YOU BASTARDS! JUST WAIT 'TIL I GET OVER THERE!" Ed screeched through the wall, and he heard someone curse when they realized they were found out. There were multiple footsteps, and Ed assumed they were running away from the scene of the prank. Leaving Ed stuck to the wall by magnetic force.

"I always wondered if your automail was magnetic," Roy said smugly, signing some document or another. Ed merely pointed his middle finger at the Colonel, trying to dislodge his arm from the wall.

"That's it," he breathed, slapping his flesh hand into his frozen automail one. He slammed his hand on the wall, and a section of it folded in on itself, right beneath his arm. The red, horseshoe-shaped magnet flew through the hole, sticking to Ed's arm with a 'clang'. Ed slowly Transmuted the wall back to normal, then turned to Roy with a neutral expression. His bangs hid his eyes as he approached the desk. Slowly.

"So, that was funny to you?" he said quietly. Roy glanced up, not missing the anger in Ed's voice.

"It was a _little_ amusing," he agreed, smirking. Ed suddenly slammed his hands on the desk, sending papers flying and causing Roy to jump. The youngest State Alchemist slowly looked up, his lips turning up in a creepy smile. His eyes were filled to the brim with rage.

"Then I hope you find this amusing as well," he said sadistically, clapping his hands and slamming them onto Roy's papers.

The ink that stained Roy's clothes that day would never quite be washed out completely.

* * *

As Ed stepped out of the room, he caught sight of Hughes flapping his hands frantically, his back towards Ed, talking in hushed voices with Havoc. He slipped closer without being noticed, listening to their conversation.

"Listen, once Ed comes out of there and sees us, were dead. Just get out of here while you still can," Hughes pleaded. Havoc shook his head.

"Sorry, but if Chief brings you down, I'm going down with you. I'm with you to the end," he said solemnly, putting his hand on Hughes' shoulder. Ed chose then to be a good time to show himself.

"Hello." He grinned at them, not bothering to hide his anger.

"You're on your own!" Havoc suddenly blurted, turning tail and dashing out of the room.

"Hey! What about going down with - AAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!"

And that was the day Hughes learned to never, _ever_ put a magnet near the Fullmetal Alchemist.

And the rest of the gang saw things that would give them nightmares for the rest of their lives.

* * *

 _ **I don't know where this came from... I guess it was when I started wondering if Ed's arm was magnetic or not. Then this just... happened. I don't even know... I wrote this at 2:00 in the morning, so it may have a few mistakes. Please forgive me if there is.**_


	4. Snowmen

"Okay, here's one. 'When life gives you lemons-'"

"Shove those fucking lemons up life's ass and tell it to keep it's own damn lemons."

Roy scowled. He didn't want to be reading words of wisdom as much as Ed wanted to be hearing them, but Hawkeye had insisted that it would make both Alchemists wiser and help them 'bond'.

He walked out as fast as he could, then continued walking down the street. He kept his eyes on the ground, not wanting to look up and see the clouds. But after a while, he realized he couldn't tell where he was going. He reluctantly lifted his head and caught sight of dark snowclouds in the distance.

 _'Do you wanna build a snowman?'_

Great. Just what he wanted to avoid.

 _'Come on, let's go and play~!  
I never see you anymore,  
_ _come out the door,  
_ _it's like you've gone away~!'_

Ed seriously wanted to scream. He was heading back to the hotel him and Al had rented, but he found he didn't want to be near Al just yet. Otherwise, Al would probably laugh at him or sing the damn song as loud as he could.

 _'We used to be best buddies,  
_ _and now we're not.  
_ _I wish you would tell me why~!'_

Okay. Either somebody needed to die, or Ed needed to get this damn song out of his head. Now.

 _'Do you wanna build a snowman?  
It doesn't have to be a snowman~!'_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Ed shouted, making many people around him jump in surprise and stare at him strangely. Ed just held his head in his hands as he walked, trying his best to get rid of this fucking... _thing_ that invaded his mind.

 _'Do you wanna build a snowman?  
_ _Or ride our bikes around the halls~?'_

No. He did _not_ _want to build a fucking snowman._

 _'I think some company is overdue,  
_ _I've started talking to  
_ _the pictures on the walls~!'_

Ed finally stumbled into his hotel, barely taking the time to check in before stomping to the room him and Al rented.

"Brother! What's wrong?" Al instantly demanded, catching the stormy look on his brother's face. Ed walked right past his younger brother, face-planting into one of the beds with a groan.

"Fucking snowmen messing with my brain," he growled, putting a pillow over his head. Al looked confused, then looked outside. It had started snowing.

* * *

A few hours later, Al shook Ed awake. The eldest Elric rolled onto his back with a groan.

"What is it, Al?"

"Do you wanna build a snowman?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

 _ **Ugh. Frozen. The movie is good, but there is TOO MANY SONGS. This song gets stuck in my head more often than any other song... Anyways, poor Ed hates that song, but Al loves Frozen and all it's songs. Just saying. *Eyebrow wiggle***_


	5. The Failed Poisoning of Edward Elric

"Does Chief really hate milk that much?" Havoc asked, flicking a few ashes off of his cigarette. "Why?"

"Well..." Al muttered, shifting his feet. "Its because... actually, I probably shouldn't tell you..."

"Aw, come on, Alphonse! Its not like milk can kill him!... Right?" Hughes looked uncertain.

"No, nothing like that! Look, I better go! Brother wanted me to go shopping before I went home, and I'll get home late if I leave any later! Bye!" Al quickly dashed out of the room, leaving Roy, Hughes, Havoc, and Breda just sitting in the room, casting strange glances to each other.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Roy said, grinning wickedly. The other three gave matching grins, looking very cruel and menacing in that moment.

"Operation Milk is a go!" Hughes whisper-shouted.

* * *

The next day, Ed reluctantly dragged himself to the Colonel's office.

"Damn Colonel Bastard," he growled to himself. "Its supposed to be my day off!" Just like usual, he loudly kicked the door open.

"I'm here, bastard!" he shouted, just like usual. But there wasn't a reply. He blinked as he lowered his foot back down. The office looked completely deserted, the curtains drawn and the lights off. "Uh, hello?"

"NOW!"

Ed yelped in shock as he felt two pairs of hands grab his arms and pin him to the wall. He struck out with his feet, but the pair of assaulters quickly moved to the sides where even Ed couldn't reach.

"What the Hell is going on here?" he shouted, looking around wildly. To his shock, the people holding his arms were... Hughes and Breda?

"Sorry, Ed! But Mustang asked us to do this!" Hughes said with an unapologetic grin. As if on cue - it probably was, now that Ed thought about it - the lights flickered on. Roy rose from his position behind his desk, also wearing a smile.

"Fullmetal. I'm glad you made it," he said conversationally.

"Fuck you! What the Hell is going on?" Ed spat. Roy's smile grew.

"Well, I happened to have a little extra _milk_ , and I thought, why let it go to waste? There's a boy that could really use a dose of milk..." Ed's eyes widened.

"No! No way! Let me go!" he screeched, fighting even harder. Breda was struggling to keep a hold on his automail arm.

"Hurry up! I can't hold him much longer!" he puffed. Roy swiftly stepped forward, and Havoc appeared, holding a cup of white liquid and a little bottle obviously holding the same thing. Ed visibly paled, and now he was trying to keep Mustang away from him instead of trying to escape.

"No no no! Keep that shit away from me!" he howled. Roy paid no attention as he took the cup from Havoc's hand, then walked over to Ed and mercilessly pinched the boy's nose closed. Ed pressed his lips together, obviously refusing to open his mouth. Roy waited, poised to strike, and eventually, Ed opened his mouth to get a gasp of breath. Roy shoved the cup at Ed's lips, forcing the liquid into the boy's mouth. Ed nearly spit it out, but Roy covered his mouth, forcing him to swallow. Instantly, Ed started coughing dramatically, and Hughes and Breda released him, each massaging their hands. Ed fell onto the ground, still coughing, but fading fast.

"God, that burned!" he whispered hoarsely.

"Geez, Chief, you sure are tough to hold down!" Breda huffed, flapping his hand to try and get the blood flowing. There was silence, and even Ed had stopped coughing.

 _Hic._

Roy blinked at the sound that had just been emitted by his youngest subordinate.

"Fullmetal?"

 _Hic._

Ed was still on his hands and knees, and his bangs covered his face.

"Er, Chief? You aren't mad, are you?" Havoc asked hesitantly.

 _Hic._

"Did he get the hiccups?" Breda asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I think so," Hughes answered, crouching down beside the blond boy.

 _Hic._

"Fullmetal, get up," Roy demanded, poking Ed's head with his foot.

 _Hic._

"Okay."

Everyone frowned at the voice. It sounded slightly... off. Ed pushed off of the ground and onto his knees, then slowly pulled himself up, using the wall as a support.

 _Hic._

"Wait a minute, is he...?"

"Does milk make you drunk?"

 _Hic._

Ed's face was flushed a dark pink, and he had a small, uncertain frown on his face. He jumped slightly as another hiccup forced a squeak from his throat.

"I... don't think milk is supposed to do that," Roy said, now looking at the cup in his hand. He glanced over at Havoc. "Was that milk spiked?"

"I don't think so," Havoc replied, scratching his head with one hand and holding up the bottle with the other. "I only just opened it today..."

 _Hic._

"...Well, what now?" Hughes asked uncertainly. "I mean, now that he's drunk, he can't really do much, can he?"

"'M not drunk!" Ed insisted, weakly, flapping his automail hand at Hughes. He hiccuped again.

"Damn it, so this is what Al meant!" Roy groaned. "I never knew milk could do this!"

 _Hic._

"I need to go home... Al's waitin' for me," Ed slurred, taking his hand off the wall. An imprint of his automail was left in the wall where he'd leaned too hard against it.

"Whoah, whoah, Chief! You can't go out there!" Havoc said, stepping in front of the doorway.

 _Hic._

"Why not?" Ed demanded, swaying where he stood.

"Hawkeye." That one word was enough to send cold chills through all of them, except for Ed. He was too out of it to understand.

"So? I'll just - _hic -_ just walk right past her. 'S not like I have nothin' to hide," Ed mumbled. He started to push past Havoc, but Breda joined Havoc in trying to keep the little alchemist in the room.

"But we haven't even played Truth or Dare yet!" he blurted.

 _Hic._

Ed paused, and for a breathless second, it seemed like he'd dismiss the thought and leave anyways.

"Guess you're right, we could - _hic -_ could play a few games," he agreed, blinking slowly.

* * *

Which was how a minute later they were all sitting in a circle on the floor, Ed swaying back and forth with a drunken smile on his face.

"I'll go first," he said, stifling another hiccup. "Truth or dare, C - _hic_ \- Colonel Bastard?"

"Dare," Roy said automatically, not one to back down from a challenge.

"Then I dare you to-" Ed covered his mouth again to stop another hiccup, "-to go and bring Hawkeye into the game!" Roy started to choke on nothing.

"B-but!"

"No buts!" Ed shouted, waving his automail fist threateningly. Apparently, his hiccups had finally been terminated. "Go do it! Now!" Roy reluctantly stood, and, followed by the terrified eyes of his subordinates and a smug-looking, pink-faced Ed's glare, he walked out of the room.

"Oh, hello, sir. Is everything going alright in there?" Hawkeye asked, looking up from her desk.

"Ah, everything is fine..." Roy muttered, glancing back at his office door. Ed was standing there, waving at him to get on with it. Havoc quickly pulled the drunken boy back into the room. Roy cleared his throat. "Actually, we started up a little game of Truth or Dare, and were wondering if you'd like to join us..." Hawkeye raised an eyebrow.

"Playing games on the job now, sir?" she teased. "I guess I have no choice but to play and make sure you all play fair." She stood up, and Roy could already feel the bullets tearing into his flesh when he imagined Hawkeye catching sight of Ed. He was sweating nervously and hoped she didn't notice. The two walked back to his office, and the Colonel could hear Ed shouting at someone to 'hurry up and throw the damn thing out the window'. He quickly opened his door, only to see Ed standing on his desk, halfway out the widow, a pen clutched in one hand and a few official-looking documents in the other. As soon as he saw Roy, Ed let go of the papers and tossed the pen as far away as he could. Hughes, Breda, and Havoc were uselessly trying to coax Ed down from the desk. Hawkeye looked slightly skeptical as Ed struggled to pull his shoulders back through the window.

"Oh! Er... First Lieutenant Hawkeye! Hello!" Hughes said nervously, grabbing a hold of Ed's waist to help the boy down. "We were just wondering when Roy'd bring you in!" Ed turned his head, and when he caught sight of Hawkeye, a big, toothy smile stretched over his face.

"Hey, Hawkeye! How's Black Hayate?" he said loudly, waving wildly at her though she was only on the other side of the room. Hawkeye instantly took in his flushed face, slightly impaired speech, and obvious unstability as he swayed where he stood. Her steely eyes locked onto the little bottle sitting innocently on the corner of Roy's desk.

"Explain," she demanded quietly. Ed pulled his arm out of Havoc's grasp and tottered over to Hawkeye, still smiling.

"An' Colonel Bastard? I threw that one paper out the window. It said somethin' about a guy named Archer..." Ed grinned at Roy. "Sorry!" Roy dropped his face into his hands. That paper, that _one simple paper,_ could've held the key to him getting promoted. He nearly took out his growing wrath on the boy, but then remembered whose fault it was that he was in such a state in the first place. He glanced at his Lieutenant nervously, and she glared death at him before turning to Ed.

"Ed, how about we get you home?" Hawkeye said gently, putting her hand on the smaller blond's shoulder.

"Yay! I get to see Al!" Ed cheered, throwing his arms up in the air like a child and nearly knocking himself and the First Lieutenant over.

"Yes, yes you do," Hawkeye said with a good-natured giggle. But the glare she sent at the four men behind her promised a world full of pain and suffering for whoever was responsible for Ed's current situation. A few seconds after the roar of her car had faded, Roy broke the silence with a sigh.

"We're fucking screwed."

* * *

Later that day, Hawkeye approached Roy's desk and picked up the small bottle. Havoc had claimed that it was milk, but as she read over the label, she slowly shook her head.

 _'Amestrian's finest white liquor_

 _Each bottle sold separately'_

She dumped the rest of the contents into a sink, then dropped the bottle into a trash can. It shattered upon impact. After what happened with Ed today, she was going to have a word with the Fuhrer about keeping alchohol out of Central whenever Ed dropped by for a visit...

* * *

 ** _Well, here is the product of a very weird conversation with my friend about orange juice possibly making people drunk._**

 ** _Hope I made the drunk act thingy... well, screwed enough. Sorry if this isn't axactly your forte, but... Eh._**

 ** _At least it's long, right?_**

 ** _..._**

 ** _Right?_**


	6. I Like it Here

**_I would like to give a thank you to The Flame Alchemist 13 for reviewing on every single chapter so far. Thank you for supporting me, though my updates are irregular, the plot lines are random, and half of the time don't make sense._**

* * *

It was a normal day in Roy's office. The Fullmetal Alchemist was laying on one of the couches, sleeping. He had recently returned from a week-long mission and had reported to the Colonel, but was so exausted he just collapsed on the couch right afterwards and wouldn't respond to a thing the Colonel or Hawkeye did. He had been there for a few hours already, and Hawkeye had left the room to retrieve a blanket to cover him with. Roy hadn't bothered to ask her where she got it for fear of the pistol he knew she kept in her belt.

The scratch of Roy's pen on paper paused when Ed started to stir. He mumbled sleepily along the lines of 'but he stole my bread' - which Roy decided not to comment on - and slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes. He yawned widely, but his jaw closed with a snap as the door suddenly burst open.

There was a man that Roy nor Riza nor Ed had ever seen before. He had brown hair that was cut close to his head, with a bushy brown mustache and dark green eyes. He was thick-set, almost as tall and thick as Armstrong. He was wearing the standard blue military outfit, and from what the other three could tell, he was a Colonel.

"Colonel Roy Mustang. First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye," the man greeted, saluting. He hadn't noticed Ed sitting on the couch, now wide awake.

"Colonel..." Roy and Hawkeye mirrored his salute, Roy standing quickly.

"Archer. Colonel Grand Archer. I'm here looking for a Major Edward Elric."

"Over here," Ed called, sliding off of the couch. The self-proclaimed 'Archer' turned quickly to him and saluted again.

"Major Edward Elric."

"Uh, hi," Ed said awkwardly, saluting as well. "You needed me for something?" Archer's eyes glittered.

"I came to give you a proposition, young Edward," he said, with an undertone of greed. Roy and Riza visibly stiffened, but said nothing. They could see where this was going, considering multiple people had tried it before with the men - and woman - under Roy's command. But Ed, still slightly new to the military's workings and oblivious to the tension, raised an eyebrow.

"A proposition?" he echoed.

"Yes. I'd like for you to work under me. But," he raised a hand as Ed opened his mouth to reject the offer, "there is something in it for you. You would have access to all of Central's grand library, as well as full control over every other man besides myself. And the pay would be much better than what you get here. Though you would be more suspectable to being called out for war or rebel scenes." His mustache quivered with barely concealed excitement. "So, what do you say, Major? Do we have a deal?"

Roy inwardly groaned. The man just _had_ to point out the library, of all things. Ed had no reason to reject the offer - if anything, he was getting a better deal out of it. Besides, the boy had always complained about Roy's laziness and about how much he hated working under the man. His heart sank even further when he saw the pensive look on Ed's face.

"Work under you, huh? With _full access_ for the library?" Ed put a hand on his chin as Archer nodded. "Huh. Well..."

Roy knew it. The boy was going to accept. He closed his eyes, not prepared for losing one of his men. Though he couldn't interfere, as was the military's rules.

"Sorry, but I'll have to say no."

Roy's eyelids flew open, and Hawkeye's eyes widened. Did Ed just say... no?

"What?" Even Archer looked shocked.

"Well, here's the thing. I kind of already work under this bastard-" he waved his hand flippantly at Roy, "-and I already promised to help this guy become Fuhrer. And besides, I kind of like this place. I'm sure Lieutenant Hawkeye would miss having a target to shoot at as well. And as for the war stuff... I get enough action here as it is with all the mass murderers and drug dealers. So, yeah, I'm staying here." Roy and Hawkeye gaped at him. This should be the offer of a lifetime for him - a giant library, practically limitless amount of research money, and power over men who were probably twice his age. And yet... he was rejecting the offer simply because he liked being here?

Archer's mustache shook again, though this time Roy assumed it was from rage.

"You are giving up mounds of information, money, and power because of this lazy excuse of a man," he persisted. "He won't stop at anything to achieve his goals and would sacrifice you in an instant!" Roy struggled to hold his tongue. It would probably end up with him being demoted if he interfered, as it was against the rules to interrupt official business if it involved someone of the same rank or higher.

"I know," Ed said with a shrug. "And I guess I'm fine with that. So, go do whatever it is Colonels do and leave me alone. Sir." He saluted lazily, and Archer was obviously fuming as he gave a short salute back before storming out the door, completely forgetting about Roy and Hawkeye. Said two were currently staring at the Fullmetal Alchemist, who dropped onto one of the couches.

"Man, that guy was a bastard!" he complained loudly. He glanced over at the Lieutenant and Colonel. "Uh, what?" Roy quickly snapped out of it.

"Nothing," he said, looking back down at his paperwork. Ed snorted in disbelief, but said nothing.

There was silence for a few minutes.

"Hey, Fullmetal, since when did you promise to help me become Fuhrer?" Roy asked abruptly. Ed's golden eyes drifted over to stare at Roy.

"Simple. I promised it to myself after I heard about your goal. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm pretty sure Al's worried since I didn't come home by noon..." He stood and swiftly left the room, leaving Roy more dumbfounded than ever.

"Did he really just...?" Roy trailed off as he continued staring at the door. Hawkeye sighed.

"Yes, sir, he really did. Now I suggest finishing up that paperwork before Colonel Archer finds an excuse to snatch Edward out from right under your nose. And if he got people backing him up, saying you aren't fit to lead, then it'll just be all the more simple for him to take the rest of your subordinates."

Roy could sense the slight worry in Hawkeye's tone, as well as the threat. The _'Hurry up and finish the work so nobody has an excuse to separate me from you. Unless you want a bullet in your foot.'_

And so, it was with a great amount of reluctance that Roy started his work again. Though his mind kept drifting back to what Fullmetal had said.

 _'Simple. I promised it to myself after I heard your goal.'_

He allowed himself a small smile as he signed yet another official-looking document.

Maybe Fullmetal didn't hate him as much as he thought.

* * *

 ** _Yeah, this is a more friendship/parental one-shot with Roy and Ed - NO YAOI. I thought of this when I thought of if Ed had been assigned under someone else. Though that would never happen, since I practically now live for Parental!Roy/Ed and Parental!Riza/Ed. So I decided to make this instead. Hope you liked it._**

 ** _I know there is already an Archer in the 2003 anime, but really, there can be more than one person named Archer. I think. So, yeah._**

 ** _And the 'don't interfere with official business if it's someone of your rank or higher' thing is something I made up because it makes sense. If you were a General, you wouldn't want a Lieutenant butting into your official business every ten seconds, would you?_**


	7. Habit

Ed hummed softly to himself as he bustled about Colonel Mustang's kitchen, a half-made sandwich laid on the counter. Why he was here? The apartment him and Al were staying at blew up. And it wasn't Ed's fault! At least, that's what he told himself. Al was out getting groceries, seeing as the Colonel wasn't stocked up on the stuff that was important, like peanut butter and bagels.

His humming paused when he heard the Colonel shuffling around on the couch, a loud sneeze practically echoing throughout the house. Ed rolled his eyes as he slapped a piece of bread on the sandwich to finish it off. Considering Mustang didn't even have a _table_ , he went over to the living room and sat in the armchair, his plate in his lap. Mustang was rubbing his eyes blearily, having just woken up from his crash on the couch.

"'N time is it?" he grumbled, fumbling for his pocket watch in his pocket. When the watch was on the table. Ed sighed as he pulled out his own watch and flicked it open.

"Three o'clock. Congratulations, Colonel Useless, you slept for a whole four hours," Ed said sarcastically, snapping his watch closed and picking up his sandwich. His stomach growled in anticipation.

"Feel like shit," Mustang muttered, rubbing his neck to try and ease the soreness. Ed said nothing as he took a bite out of his sandwich, precisely in the middle.

"Tha's wha happ'ns when ya sleep on th' couch," he said around his food. Mustang crinkled his nose, awake enough to know that it wasn't polite to talk with your mouth full. But since when did the Fullmetal Alchemist care about something as trivial as _manners_? Silence fell throughout the room, though neither did anything to break that silence. Mustang just watched as Ed swallowed the bite in his mouth, then took another chunk off of the sandwich from the corner. Then the other corner. Then the middle. Then the right corner. Then the left. Middle. Right. Left.

 _'That's a big sandwich,'_ he thought idly to himself, noting how Ed could barely keep it from falling apart. Ed took another bite form the middle. Mustang was beginning to see a pattern here.

"Being a little meticulous, aren't we?" he said a second later. Ed looked up, confusion flitting across his face.

"What do you mean?" he asked, frowning. Mustang gestured to the sandwich.

"How you're eating that. Making it all neat and symmetrical," he elaborated. Ed's face darkened.

"Yeah, what of it?" he muttered, stuffing the last of the sandwich into his mouth. Mustang shrugged.

"It was weird," he said dismissively. "Most people just eat it, not try and make it pretty."

"So? Why should it matter?" Ed snapped.

"It doesn't," Mustang said airily. "Just strange, is all."

"I can't help it, okay?" Ed burst out, face turning pink. "It just looks and feels weird if it's all lopsided!" Mustang snorted.

"It's food, not a work of art," he said slowly.

"Still," Ed growled, glowering at Mustang.

And finally, Mustang couldn't hold it in.

He started laughing.

Ed's face became a brilliant scarlet. Sure, he was used to being teased, but nobody had ever outright _laughed_ at him for something so... mundane! It was irritating, to say the least.

Which was why when Al walked in moments later, he had no idea as to what transpired between them. Only that Ed refused to talk about it and Roy couldn't stop grinning every time he saw Ed make a sandwich.

* * *

 _ **Haha, bet you can guess where this came from. I was eating a sandwich when my mom said that I eat it funny, since I always try to keep it... well, symmetrical. So then, this was born!**_

 _ **Like it? Hate it? Think it was shit that needs to be put in a mental hospital? Just let me know! Ciao, for now!**_


	8. Why Are People Stupid?

Edward Elric had to hold back an annoyed, impatient sigh as a rude-looking - though obviously not very bright - woman barged her way into the quick-scan aisle with a cart filled with desserts. The woman was obviously overweight and didn't care what people said, as she instantly started throwing her things onto the belt for Ed to scan. She munched loudly on a taco from the Taco Bell Ed used to work at. _(He was fired for 'overreacting' and physically damaging the store. Hey, it wasn't his fault people thought he was twelve!)_

Not that Walmart was any better.

He monotonously started to scan all of the colorful packages, his stomach growling loudly. The woman couldn't have come five minutes later, could she? He should've been on his lunch break now, and since he missed breakfast, lunch sounded like heaven to him. But he was stuck here, tortured by all these delicious treats he couldn't eat while this fat bit- lady stuffed herself in front of him, while his lunch time slowly ticked away and his stomach raged.

It was enough to drive him insane.

"Hurry up, will you?" the b- _woman_ drawled, bits of taco flying from her mouth.

"I'm going as fast as I can," Ed answered false-politely.

Why the Hell was he working as a cashier at restaurants and stores and all that shit? It was pretty obvious he had neither the patience nor conviction to do these tasks. He would fare much better doing actual physical work or something similar, but apparently there were no jobs like that for a sixteen-year-old with a short complex.

The b- _customer_ continued to pile her sweets onto the counter faster than Ed could scan them and stuff them into bags. It didn't help that the woman wasn't grabbing the full bags and putting them in her cart like a normal person, so he had to stuff them a little more than usual.

It went on like this for a few moments. Ed silently fuming at the stupid b- _woman's_ attitude, the _woman_ ignoring his glare and complaining every few seconds that he was too slow, and a few Walmart workers giving them fearful looks.

The workers knew what Ed got like when he was hungry. A hungry Ed meant a cranky Ed, and a cranky Ed was much more likely to bite someone's head off, go on a short rant, throw a fit, do physical or mental harm, etc...

Especially when some moron used the quick-scan isle meant for _ten or less items_ when they had a cart bulging with, of all things, _food_.

"You're a little small to be working, aren't you?" the idiotic _woman_ said rudely. "Why don't you leave all the work to the people that can handle it?"

Every Walmart employee that heard her either covered their ears, sighed in anticipation, or ran off to do something that _didn't_ involve listening to the result of the woman's moronity.

 _"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A TINY LITTLE BEANSPROUT MIDGET SO SMALL HE CAN'T REACH THE REGISTER?! I'LL SHOVE THESE FUCKING TWINKIES UP YOUR ASS!"_

And thus, Walmart lost one of its young employees that couldn't seem to keep a job for more than a couple of months.

* * *

 ** _Yep._**

 ** _'Tis the product of my mother's complaints about - you guessed it - Walmart and the idiots that come to shop there._**

 ** _As you can probably guess, this is a semi-spin-off of The Troubles of Taco Bell._**

 ** _Poor Ed just can't seem to keep a job, huh? And nobody can seem to stop bothering him about his height..._**

 ** _Pfft. Twinkies. I loved those things..._**


	9. Doughnuts and Donuts

Winry Rockbell was crying.

No, it wasn't monumental or rare, but there was always a reason for it.

Currently, her childhood best friend was being her human tissue.

Edward Elric was awkwardly patting her on the back, trying to give consoling words, but she only cried harder.

"Winry, it's okay! I don't even know why you're crying!" he desperately soothed. Winry didn't calm down a bit as she soaked his shirt with her tears.

"I-it's because- it's because-"

"Damn it, what is it? Who made you cry?!" Ed demanded, his fist clenching in the back of her shirt. "I'll make them pay!"

"No, it's not like that!" Winry wailed. "It's... it's...!"

"What?!"

"They ran out of doughnuts at my favorite bakery!" Winry howled as she burrowed even deeper into Ed's shirt.

Time seemed to stop as Ed absorbed this.

"Wait... what?"

"I need my fucking doughnuts! Especially in the morning on Mondays!"

"Damn it, Winry, is it that time of month again?! You always get like this!"

"What?! No! You pervert!"

Ed earned a smack on the head with a wrench for his troubles.

"Geez, I was just asking!" he growled, rubbing his head. He was relieved that Winry had finally stopped her waterworks, but was also slightly terrified of the murderous look on his friend's face.

"Get me doughnuts!" Winry demanded, pointing at him with her wrench. "Then we'll talk about you breaking your automail again!" She wiped tear stains off of her cheeks as Ed scrambled to obey.

"AND MAKE SURE THEY HAVE SPRINKLES!"

* * *

 ** _Well, this is the result of me, being hungry as Hell at three o'clock in the morning, with nothing to eat but a stale glazed doughnut. Also, m_ _y stomach growls every three seconds, and it is_ loud** _ **. Seriously, if I could hear it over me blaring Lost One's Weeping (Vocaloid) on my laptop, then that is definitely not good. I think I have a stomach flu or something.**_

 _ **Sayonara.**_


	10. The Supposed All-Powerful Genie

"Brother! Brother, look what I found!"

Alphonse Elric came running over to his older brother, a dirty thing cupped into his massive gauntlets. Edward Elric cautiously took the thing from Al's hands.

It was a rusty, old golden tea kettle or something.

"Al, what is this?" Ed said bluntly.

"There's something written on the side, but I can't read it," Al supplied. "I thought you could clean it or something. It might have something about the Philosopher's Stone!" Ed sighed.

"Al, that's a long shot and you know it," he scolded lightly, though he couldn't deny that the tea kettle looked pretty curious with the ancient-looking runes on the side. Al sighed gustily, the strange sound resounding in his armored body.

"I know... But it looked so cool just sitting in the sand..." If a suit of armor could whine, Al was accomplishing that with flying colors. Ed cringed at the pleading tone to Al's voice.

"Fine, I'll fix the fucking kettle!" he growled, dropping the said thing onto the table and clapping his hands. He lightly touched it, and it flashed with blue lightning for a split second before the rust disappeared. Ed took his hands away and picked up the now-not-rusty-but-still-filthy kettle.

"Argh, I still can't read it!" he growled, using his glove to try and wipe away some of the dirt that was encrusting the kettle's surface.

He instantly regretted it as the kettle shot out of his hands, glowing with an eerie red light. Sparks shot out of its spout, and Ed fumbled to grab it again. It proved to be a struggle as bluish smoke poured out of it, forming into a gigantic cloud that had yellow specks sparkling within it.

As Ed and Al watched in horror, a body shape made itself known in the blue smoke. Arms with gold bracelets encircling their wrists stretched high into the air. A face popped out of the cloud. A torso formed just as the last of the blue smoke disappeared, with a ghost-like projection instead of legs. A goatee sat on the blue face, only making this whole thing even stranger than it already was.

"W-what the Hell?!" Ed spluttered. "What was that?! People don't just randomly pop out of kettles like that!"

"I happen to be a genie!" the blue figure retorted, crossing its... arms... "And one of the best, at that." It stroked the goatee, grinning smugly.

"What the Hell is a genie?" Ed demanded. The blue thing brightened at that.

"Well, you see..."

* * *

After a painfully musical explanation, Ed dug his pinkie finger into his ear.

"So, you're telling me that we have _three_ wishes. Three wishes that we could use for anything at all."

"There are a few rules and regulations and stuff," the genie corrected. "Such as making people fall in love, _killing_ , and bringing people back from the dead. The last one is because it is _not_ a pretty picture."

Ed shivered. "I can imagine. So, you really will grant three wishes?"

"Brother, that sounds amazing!" Al squealed like a schoolgirl. Which sounded very wrong and strange coming out of a suit of armor.

"A little _too_ amazing, if you ask me," he grunted. He glared at the genie. "So, what do I do? Just wave my arms and go bippity-boppity-boo or some weird shit?"

"Actually, it's simpler than that," the genie said, slightly put off by Ed's crude language. "All you say is 'I wish', then you say what you want, and it's yours!"

"I wish I had something to block all the shit that's coming from your mouth."

"Brother!"

And, with a lot of arm-waving and dramatic fireworks, a pair of blue earplugs popped into existence.

Ed comically launched himself backwards and away from the two innocent-looking, pill-shaped objects.

"W-what the Hell?!"

"Your wish is my command," the genie said sarcastically, giving a fake-polite bow. Ed flailed from his position on the floor.

"E-excuse me, Mr. Genie? How did you do that?" Al asked timidly. "Was that Alchemy?"

"Actually, it was magic," the genie responded, crossing his arms again.

"Well, then I wish for Al to get his body back!" Ed suddenly shouted. The genie paused.

"That, I can't do. It is like bringing one back from the dead," he said seriously. Ed's face fell, and he regressed to a sulking teenage kid with mushrooms on his head.

"Um, I wish that... that Ed would stop swearing all the time."

"Al! You little bas-"

"Done."

"Git!" Ed stopped. Why did he suddenly sound British...? "Blimey, what did you do to me?" he gasped, clutching at his throat. "I sound... fancy! Ack!" He flapped his arms wildly. "Get it off! Get it off!"

"Brother, it's only an accent!" Al tried to reason, though he was giggling like mad.

"You git! This isn't funny!" Ed howled, then suddenly froze as a thought seemed to cross his mind. He turned to the genie with a devilish grin.

"I wish that I was taller than Al," he said confidently. The genie rolled his eyes.

"Your wish is my-" He suddenly stopped, frowning.

"What? Why did you stop?" Ed demanded.

"Ah, unfortunately, your height issues are past the powers of a lowly genie," the genie said solemnly. "If you want something changed, take it up with God himself."

"FRIGGIN' STUPID-BUTT GIT!" Ed screeched, trying his darndest to punch the genie in the face. But someone just under five feet tall couldn't even hope of reaching the face of someone four times your height.

"You have one last wish," the genie said. "Make it count."

"I wish I never had to see your ugly face again!"

"Your wish is my command."

With that, the genie disappeared into the kettle once more. The kettle itself flashed red before it promptly disappeared. Fuming, Ed threw himself onto the ground.

"What now? I'm friggen' stuck like this!" he raged, pounding his fists into the ground. Al wasn't helping with his poorly-concealed giggles.

"We might want to head back home. The sand's getting into my armor," Al suggested, removing his chestplate and letting a large helping of sand pour onto the blond Alchemist laying at his feet. Sputtering, Ed launched himself out of the intruding substance.

"WHAT THE HECK, AL?!"

"Sorry! I didn't mean it! Stop chasing me, brother! Agh!"

"LIKE HECK YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT! GET BACK HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!"

* * *

 ** _Whee! Now, wasn't this fun?_**

 ** _Obviously it's an Aladdin and Fullmetal Alchemist crossover. I personally enjoyed writing this, so if you want, drop a review and tell me what you thought!_**

 ** _Heheh... Poor Ed... He'll be short forever at this pace..._**

 ** _Ed: NOT SHORT YOU LITTLE WITCH!_**

 ** _Me: Says the guy who is just as tall as a ten-year-old with a height problem._**

 ** _Ed: IF I WASN'T FRIGGEN' BRITISH I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU BY NOW!_**

 ** _Me: What does being British have to do with anything?_**

 ** _Ed: Everything. *Is suddenly dead serious*_**

 ** _Me: ...?!_**


	11. He Always Knows

Roy was bored as Hell. He had (for once) finished his paperwork early, but he was stuck in this building for two more hours until his shift was over. Hawkeye was there, but she was busy with her own paperwork. (You'd be surprised at how much work a simple Lieutenant could get. It was ugly.) He wasn't really allowed to do anything other than work, and since that was over and done with, he was free.

A little too free.

All in all, Roy would do anything to rid himself of this boredom. Even ask Edward Elric to come for a visit.

"I can't believe I just wished Fullmetal would come to visit," he growled to himself.

"What's wrong, Boss?" Havoc leaned back in his seat with an unlit cigarette hanging from his lips. Roy rolled his eyes.

"I finished my paperwork. I don't have anything else to do. Go figure."

"Ah." Havoc toyed with a lighter. "Maybe you could find a mission for Chief to go on? It's always fun when he visits." Roy sighed.

"I would call, but I don't know where he is. Besides, he probably couldn't get any reception from all the way down there."

* * *

Miles and miles away, a blond-haired head twitched.

"He did it again! That's it, he needs to pay!"

* * *

"You even make fun of him when he's not here. That has to be a record," Breda commented off-handedly. Roy shrugged.

"It's become a habit."

More wasted time passed.

An hour and a half.

* * *

Not so far away anymore, a suit of armor was running desperately after a smaller, red-clad figure.

"Brother! Where are you even going?" the metal suit called.

"To punch that bastard's face in!" came the angered reply. "He's going to pay for calling me short when he thought I wouldn't find out!"

* * *

"Your move."

Falman frowned and concentrated heavily. His already narrow eyes narrowed even more. He reached out, hesitated, and reached for a different piece. Roy yawned.

One hour left.

* * *

A small boy with blazing golden eyes crouched atop a train headed for Central. His booted feet were planted firmly on the unforgiving metal surface. The suit of armor had long since been left behind, not able to climb aboard the train on time.

"You'll see. I always know."

* * *

Roy spun lazily in his office chair. Hawkeye barely glanced at him.

"Maybe you should go and make a better name for yourself," she suggested. "I don't think the military takes kindly to people who slack off or don't put their time to good use."

"Nah, too much work," Roy dismissed, waving his hand.

Thirty minutes to go.

* * *

Fuming, the short kid jumped off the train before it came to a full stop. He stumbled a bit while many people stared, but he recovered quickly and dashed off before the station police could catch him.

"Almost there! Just wait!"

* * *

Finally, the clock chimed. Roy stood up and stretched, feeling his spine pop.

"Ah, finally. I think I'll go home now." He started to head for the door.

* * *

The blond kid ran through the halls just as the clock chimed. He spotted his destination - a rich oak door just begging to be kicked inward.

* * *

The door suddenly exploded inwards. Roy stepped back, shielding his face from wood shards that never came. While his arms were up, something solid, heavy, and very painful slammed into his stomach. He flew into his desk, his stomach convulsing and his ears ringing from the shout that had accompanied the punch.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THE BUTTONS ON HIS PHONE ARE BIGGER THAN HIS HAND?!"

* * *

 _ **Well, this was fun.**_

 _ **Roy, you better watch out.**_

 _ **He always knows.**_

 _ **He's always listening.**_

 _ **Don't forget this lesson.**_

 _ **Roy: Well, the pipsqueak isn't even in this Author's Note. He can't even-**_

 _ **Ed: *Falls from the sky* WHO CALLED ME SHORT?!**_

 _ **Roy: ...*Flees for his life***_


	12. Priorities

Roy grumbled annoyed insults under his breath as he searched through the crowd, Hawkeye dutifully right at his heels. He looked for a familiar, short blond that had somehow gotten lost in the crowd. Not that Roy had noticed. Hawkeye was the one to point out that the Fullmetal Alchemist was missing. He would call for the brat, but he wasn't that worried. And, besides, it would make him look strange if he went shouting for someone in the middle of the street. People tended to think bad of you if you lost a kid, as he soon found out after the last time Fullmetal went missing.

"Sir, I think I see him," Hawkeye said quietly, pointing to somewhere to Roy's left. He paused and followed her finger. And there was Fullmetal, blatantly obvious in the middle of the crowd with his golden hair and bloodred jacket. He was looking around frantically, before his eyes found them. He mouthed something - probably Roy's name. Then he started running over, pushing past a few people and bumping into others. Roy smirked, thinking of how grateful Fullmetal would be since Roy had found him.

"Riza!" Fullmetal cried, pushing right past him.

...

 _What._

Roy turned his head. Fullmetal came to a stop right in front of Hawkeye, beaming.

"Thanks for finding me!" he said breathlessly, pushing his bangs out of his eyes. "I thought I'd never find you!"

Roy cleared his throat. Fullmetal glanced back at him.

"Yeah?" he grunted, narrowing his eyes. "What do you want?" Roy was taken aback. Where was the gratitude in that cold tone?

As he searched Fullmetal's eyes, all he could see was glaring annoyance. Then he turned away.

"Can I hang onto you so I don't get lost again?" he asked Riza. "I don't do well in crowds. All these giants keep pushing me aside." He spat out the word 'giants' like poison. Hawkeye smiled indulgently.

"Of course. Here, take my hand." Fullmetal grasped her hand with a grin. "Shall we go?" Hawkye looked up at Roy as she said this. The Colonel was gaping, doing a very impressive fish-out-of-water impression.

"...Sure..."

* * *

After they had finished the two-hour-long meeting, Roy and Hawkeye returned to Roy's office while Fullmetal went back to Alphonse. The suit of armor had sadly been deconstructed, and Fullmetal hadn't had the time to gather enough parts to fix him before he left. Roy sank happily into his chair. He had to stand during the whole meeting, while Fullmetal got to sit in a chair in the corner since he was a 'special case'. Roy snorted. 'Special case' his ass. They had just wanted to suck up to the youngest State Alchemist so he wouldn't go around giving the other State Alchemists a bad name, otherwise they would discharge him from the military. Of course, he didn't want to just simply let the boy go, but he couldn't say the same for Fullmetal. The way he had ever so obviously ignored the Colonel when he was in plain sight was slightly offensive.

"Why?" he suddenly blurted out. Hawkeye raised her eyebrows.

"Sir?"

"Why did he go straight to you instead of me?" Roy asked, putting a hand on his forehead. "It doesn't make any sense. I'm his superior officer!" He hated to admit it, but he was jeaolus of the willing attention that Fullmetal gave to the First Lieutenant instead of the other way around. Sure, he was being petty, getting jealous over something as trivial as this... But still.

"Sir, maybe it's because he doesn't really see you as a friend," Hawkeye said formally. "While I have managed to hold many civil conversations with Edward and am on a first-name basis with him, he has yet to manage a conversation with you that hasn't ended in him storming out of the office. You still call him 'Fullmetal', and he calls you 'Colonel' as well. Maybe you should try and be a little more friendly with him."

"Friendly? I'm plenty friendly to him," Roy snorted.

"But you must keep in mind that he is a child," Hawkeye said patiently. "The only 'friends' he has are nearly twice his age. You can't expect to be a friend to him when you treat him like me, or even Hughes."

"Hmm," Roy huffed. "Still, he is a dog of the military. I also have to keep that in mind."

"Right," Hawkeye sighed, realizing that Roy would maybe never get the point of this conversation. "Whatever you say, sir."

* * *

It happened again when Fullmetal had once entered Roy's office. He gave a pleasant, warm greeting to Hawkeye, then turned to the Colonel with a scowl.

"Well?" he snapped. "I don't have all day to be standing here, you know!"

Miffed, Roy had given the boy his assignment, a few choice words on his tongue.

A few minutes later, the door slammed closed, Fullmetal's last yells echoing in the office. The papers on Roy's desk were scattered all over the place from when Fullmetal had slammed his hands down on it. Hawkeye sighed and began to pick them up.

"I still don't understand," Roy grumbled. "He seems so friendly with you..."

"We already discussed this, sir," Hawkeye said calmly, tapping the edges of the papers on the desk to straighten them. "You treat him too much like a little child, then act like he's an adult the next second. He doesn't appreciate being treated like a child, but he can't handle the responsibilities of a grown person, no matter what he says or what he has done." She placed the papers on the desk. "Think about that next time you see him. Then maybe you could work on an actual friendship. Or, at the very least, call him by his first name instead of 'Fullmetal'."

She left the office, leaving Roy to ponder about what his subordinate had just told him.

"Not like a child, but not like an adult... What does that even mean?!"

* * *

It took a while, but eventually, Edward had realized the fact that Roy really was just trying to help him. It didn't make him accept it, though. Instead, it just made him not want it even more. Roy still hadn't figured out what Hawkeye was talking about that day.

"Look, you're already 'helping' enough by giving us these useless missions," Edward had nearly growled after he returned from yet another unsuccessful mission. "We don't need you screwing up anything else."

Feeling very affronted at that, Roy frowned.

"I don't 'screw things up'," he retorted. "I've given you assignments I felt would be beneficial to your search."

"And what a load of good that did," Edward said sarcastically. "Look, I know you want to help, but I really just don't need it. Go sign some paperwork or something. I'm fine."

* * *

The two hadn't shown signs of growing any closer until months and months later. Edward was returning from a visit to Resembool to fix up his automail, and Roy had insisted that Hawkeye and himself were there when the Fullmetal Alchemist returned. Al had decided to stay in Resembool for a while to experiment with a few metals to make his body lighter, and possibly quieter to make himself more stealthy on the more secretive missions. The two officers searched over the crowd of dark-haired adults, searching for the blood red coat they knew could only belong to Edward Elric.

Roy was the first to spot him, and he smirked before calling out for the boy.

"Edward!"

The blond head turned, and golden eyes widened with recognization. He pushed through the crowd, and Roy was reminded of the first time he had realized just how distant he was from the boy. He had grown since then, but he was still just a teenager, and he was not yet as tall as he swore he would be.

As he approached, Roy stopped and waited for him to catch up.

"Colonel!" was the first word out of the Fullmetal Alchemist's mouth when he finally reached the duo. Roy smirked at Edward, pleased. He had finally reached his personal goal of becoming one of the most important people in his subordinate's life, even more important than Hohenheim. Though that wasn't saying much, considering the boy's view on his biological father.

"I guess it's a good thing you stand out more than even Al does," the Colonel commented. Edward just shrugged.

"What can I say? I have a very selective taste."

"In friends or fashion?" Roy questioned. Ed grinned.

"Both."

Hawkeye merely watched the exchange with a smile. Maybe she had been underestimating her superior officer. Maybe he could hold a civil conversation with his subordinate. Maybe-

"I'm guessing you wear such bright colors since it's the only way you could ever be seen?"

"...Is that an insult?"

"Only if you look at it that way."

And there went that theory. Hawkeye sighed as Edward began to rant once more, his fists flailing wildly. Roy just smirked at his success in riling up the teenager.

"One day," the Lieutenant swore to herself, "he'll see."

But that day was very, very, _very_ far away.

* * *

 _ **To celebrate Fullmetal Alchemist Day, have this one-shot I wrote three or four months ago. It probably isn't as good as it could be, but hey, I tried.**_


End file.
